Joshua Holmes's blog

My strange friend Ralph

If I had the time I would live in a coffee shop simply to listen to all the random conversations around me. People always seem to have the most random of conversations out in public. I guess the coffee shop would be the best for eavesdropping because for me it accomplishes two things. First, it feeds my intense need for caffeine. And second, it grants me the opportunity to one day hear a conversation like this....

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I sit on the comfy couch and sip my piping hot coffee. I like things simple. Coffee comes black with one splenda. My iPod is the old model with the simple scroll wheel. My shoes are practical for the urban jungle; flipflops are the new sandal after all. And my snack is a simple chocolate chip cookie. Life gets way too complicated if one adds too many distractions.

I look up as the door chimes, announcing another patron to my coffee haunt. The man is about my age, balding and sweating slightly. He looks around anxiously, then orders a beverage. Inside my head I can hear myself begging for him to come sit near enough to me. No doubt this man has one hell of a story to tell, based on his nearly frantic expression on his face. And as luck would have it...

"There you are Frank! Damn, I didn't think you'd show!"

"Hey Ralph, how's tricks pal?"

Sweatly Ralph sits down with a plop next to Frank. He noisily slurps at his beverage. "Not good man."

"What ails you Ralphie my boy?"

"Well... don't think I'm crazy Frank." I lean in close, damn this oughta be good! "I think I'm being abducted at night by aliens." Ralph looks at me as I take a huge bite of my cookie, desperately trying to hide my obnoxious grin. Jackpot on the batshit crazy!

"...think that." I missed what Frank was saying while I gloated on my prize find for today, but I certainly didn't miss Ralph's reply.

"I go to bed like normal but wake up completely nakkid, my clothes scattered haphazardly around the room. My sheets are tossed in a pile on the floor. One morning my mattress was there with it and I was on the floor in front of the bed." Frank stares at Ralph bug eyed. I pretend to be engrossed in a spot on the wall.

"Wow."

"Yeah, I know right?"

"You sure you haven't been having insane monkey sex with some hot girl who lives next door and leaves before you wake up?" I choke on my coffee, trying to hold back from spraying it out my nose. I hastily put my iPod earbuds in my ear and pretend to check the volume.

"You know I haven't been laid in 6 years you ass!"

"Sorry to raise a sore subject." Frank looks around, probably wondering if anyone else was paying attention. I once again adjust my iPod's volume and other nonessential settings. "Um, so that's your only reason for believing in alien abduction? For, uh, interplanetary sexual exploitation?"

Ralph shifts uncomfortably in his seat. I pretend to not be completely enthralled with what he has to say, but dammit I was on the edge of my seat. What would he say next? "Well... there is the strange sense of not remembering my dreams. I wake up exhausted."

"And nakkid..."

"Yes, and nakkid." Ralph sighs, then satisfies my curiosity by continuing, "And there are strange markings all over my body. I think they are written in sharpie."

Frank stares at Ralph for a long time. I finish my cookie and long for another. Damn coffee shops for not having servers! As I sit and contemplate whether to get up and fetch another cookie, Frank finally replies, "So you still have those rambunctious teenage kids living in the apartment next door?"

"Uh, yeah. Little bastards! I complain to management about them all the time..."

Frank suddenly laughs a hearty, belly busting laugh. Ralph glances around nervously, probably hoping no one is paying attention. "Ralph... do me a favor tonight."

"What's that Frank?"

"Tonight, use the security chain on your front door."

 

Disclaimer and 1st post!

So this is the disclaimer....

I recently had a thought about blogs. Most blogs seem to be a person's thoughts/rants/endless ramblings etc etc etc. They're used for educational purposes, stress relief, and to tell the world "HERE I AM!" However, (and I may be mistaken) I've never come across one written as a two-way conversation. I feel that we humans spend a large amount of our time communicating with friends and family on a whole host of situations. Rarely do we go into "battle" without consulting with our closest advisors.

This is what I'm hoping to recreate here; a dialogue between two friends. The 1st person view is not necessarily me, and the issues they debate won't necessarily be something related to my life. An example would be a conversation between two people about AIDS. I don't actively know anyone with AIDS but may use this blog as an opportunity to explore what it is I think I know. I want to use this as an exercise to explore what it might be like to be in the situations I propose.

Anyways. If you're reading this I hope you enjoy it. Please feel free to leave comments. And bear in mind this is just an exercise to improve my overall writing!

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The sun streams into the coffee shop windows, warming me up better than the hot latte in my hand. I glance at the screen of my mobile; he's late again. I'm not surprised, he's always late. The door jingles and in walks my friend. He glances quickly around the cafe and waves as he sees me. Coming over he flips the chair around backwards and grabs the latte I had purchased for him. It's the perfect temperature, cooled just enough between the time I had bought it and his late arrival. Man, do I know this guy or what?

"Hey bro, how's tricks?" He always asks me the same question every time.

"Oh, you know. Same ole same ole. Just livin the dream."

"Ya, don't I know that!" he chuckles.

"So what did you do last night?"

"Well, the usual. I had 2 girls on the hook, so I hung out with one till 8. We had sex in the backseat of my car." He laughs, gulps his latte, and continues, "Then I went to see the second girl. She lives with her mother. Thankfully her mom was out. We had sex on her balcony."

I nod my head, mockingly appreciatively. The truth is I considered this simply small talk. Our conversations were generally shallow in nature but every once in awhile I am able to bounce a serious topic off of him and get a basic yet serious reaction towards it. I was about to drop another bomb on him...

"So I was wondering what you would say if I told you I was going to quit my job and move to another city." I sit back in my chair, looking out the window as I sip my latte. I hear him shift a bit in his chair, obviously uncomfortable.

"Why?"

"Because I need a change. Because nothing here changes. I'm tired of the same old thing everyday."

"You need to get laid." He always resorts to this comeback; it's his self-defense mechanism to prevent deep thought. I always expect this and have learned how to counter it easily enough.

"It's not always about sex dude."

"You always say that!"

"Well tell me how what I've said has anything to do about having sex." He's quiet for a moment, then I continue, "It's deeper than that. I don't like the direction my life is going. I don't feel appreciated here."

"What about your job? You make tons of cash! You'll never find a job like that anywhere else!"

"I think that's the idea. I don't see much joy in the job I do. I don't see how I am doing anything good for humanity."

"Good for humanity? Now you're a hippie?"

I sigh, "No stupid. I just feel like I should be doing something more for the world. Giving back. I've been so fortunate in the things I've been blessed with. More fortunate than others, anyways. It's almost like my responsibility."

He looks at me. I can see the wheels of his brain spinning. "You've thought about this a lot, huh?" I nod. "So what are you thinking you want to do?"

I smile. Having him onboard will make this so much easier.

"Let me ask you this. How much do you know about Africa?"

 

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